Cheddas Journal

Why?

2005-05-28T03:57:12Z

The whole day was going ok I went to work
early and talked to Roy. I got off work
early and went to get something to eat for
me Nelson and Shark we ate watched Dave Chapelle.
I was just about to play Madden with Nelson and
then she called. :( Why did she have to call?
That has thrown my whole day down the drain now I
feel like shit and I have no one talk I wanna die
just let me die now.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe.....

2005-05-13T07:08:32Z

Oh no the feeling is getting stronger and stronger
by the moment I dont know what to do about it, I
wish I could you freeze time and think about it.
I mean I kinda know what to do about it but I dont
want to scare her off. This girl is so cool!!!! ah why
does she have to be so fucking cool? Why couldnt she
be a bitch? Atleast if she was a bitch she would have
told me to fuck off by now and I wouldnt be in this
dilema.Jay help me foo I need ur help "Only you can
prevent forest fires" (lol).Its weird ever since I
started talking to her there hasnt been a day where
Im depressed (Gladys would be so happy that Ive gone
a whole week without depression) I enjoy talking to
her so much sometimes I just wish the conversations
wouldnt end.Well I know Im gonna talk to her again
tomorrow so thats good,she emailed me a picture of
Mylo tonight he kinda looks scary but I think hes got
charisma..............................I think Ima take
a trip around the world to ease my mind %)

Ahhhh!

2005-05-12T06:56:29Z

I hate this feeling Im getting again. Well first and for most the whole thing with Yesenia was never to serious even though it seemed serious because of the way she would talk to me, but anyways Im over that. But I hate it when I get this feeling because it wont let me think about anything but that. I like her alot I really do (aaaaaahhhh) she is so cool I talk to her so easily about anything and everything. Its weird but sometimes we dont really talk about anything but we still stay on the phone just conversating with one another. I havent asked her out for 2 reasons one she says shes the type of girl to scare easily and two shes dating someone :( that she told me she really cares about. Anyways she did tell me that she can talk to me for long periods of time even if its about nothing something she says she cant do with that other guy but she wishes she could I see that as a good thing for me but all I can do is wait and see what happens. Ahhhhh I hate and love this feeling at the same time now honestly I really like this girl but some "people" have told me I love her but I dont because if I did I would be the first one to admit it. HELP ME SUPERMAN!!!!

Special Ded To Yessi

2005-05-10T06:15:04Z

Its hard to hold a grudge against someone who you believed to be your friend.
But in this case its kind of hard not too, just because she told me that she
cared about me and that she loved me as more than a friend she told me she wanted
to be with me. I guess its my fault for believing her, or may be its her fault
for not knowing the meaning of love for someone (I dont mean as a friend) and her
saying it just because she thought it was the right thing to say. How can one week
you tell a person that u love them with every part of your body and that u cant be
with out them and then after that just avoid them hoping they go away like a fad.
Thats not kool especially when this person claimed to be one of ur so called "best
friends" but whatever Im trying not to get involved with a fake person like that.
Because if u wanna be real with me be real if you wanna be fake move on to the next
person. But yeah I guess thats just another chapter in my life that came and went but
I guess my story doesnt end there....................................................
.....................................................................................
......................................................I'll see you in Chicago Gabs ;)

GABY!!!!!!

2005-05-04T15:25:10Z

Hey Gaby would you go out with me to a movie then dinner than a walk on the beach? We will have a good time we can stay out late talking and not even worry about the next day. It would be my honor to take you out and show a good time....no no scratch that a great time. Forget about Marcos I know I live in a whole nother state but so what I can take you out during the summer.

Special Ded To: Veronika, Mary, Monica, Mara........

2005-04-25T16:50:16Z

Ha ha ha...fuck all y'all...fuck all y'all...I don't need nobody
Fuck 'em...Fuck all y'all

Money gone fuck friends
I need a homie that know me
when all these muthafuckin' cops be on me
I got problems ain't nobody calling back
now what the fuck is happenin' with my ballin' cats
Remember me I'm ya homie that was down to brawl
Sippin' Hennessy hanging with the clowns and
all we used to do is drink brew, screw and common knew
we had bitches by the dozens oh we fuckin' cousins
You can throw ya middle finger if ya feel me loc
a nigga just got paid and we still was broke
It took time but finally the cash was mine
all the rewards of a hustler stuck in the grind
Look around and all I see is snakes and faces
like scavengers waitin' to take a hustler's pape's
and when you stuck where the fuck is all ya friends
They straight busted and can't be trusted fuck y'all

I'm sippin' Tanqueray and juice and what's the use
cause I'm a hopeless thug
Ain't no love reminiscing on how close we was
way back in the day before they put the crack in the way
and heeyyy how much money can you stack in a day
It's gettin' rough collect calls from my niggas in court
I recollect we used to ball now just living's enough
I stand tall in the winter summer spring or fall
Thug for life scrawled all across the wall
and all about my dollars make me wanna holla
drop an album sell a million give a fuck about tomorrow
I know it's gettin' crazy after dark
these marks keep on huffin' and puffin'
ain't no fear in my heart
What's going on in the ghetto still struggle and strive
I still roll with the heater smokin' chocolate thai
In 04 I'll be going solo
too many problems with my own
so I'm rolling do-do
Fuck all y'all

I went from rags to riches quick
to socializing with the baddest bitches
went from a bucket to a rag with switches
I'm seein' death around the corner
I'm bumpin' Gloriaaaa doin' 90 'cause I wanna
I'm getting high like I said it with some chocolate thai
mixed with some indonesia watch me fly
And even though I know the cops behind me
hit the weed and uh I continue doing 90 (Biotch)
will I get caught another ticket get to kick it in court
Fuck the law give a shit I'm even worse than before
I know they wanna see a nigga buried
but I ain't worried still throwing these thangs
got me locked in these chains
and hey nigga what the fuck is you wailin' 'bout
soon as I hit the cell I'll be bailin' out
And when I hit the streets I'm in a rush to ball
I'm screaming Thug Life nigga fuck y'all

Yeah I guess thats the special ded for the day!

Help Me!

2005-04-22T00:54:38Z

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
No se lo que pasa pero duele mucho mi corazon quema
Quema pero sin lumbre con el dolor que me traes

I guess so.....

2005-04-20T15:53:08Z

Well its been so long since I have written and entry its not that I have been busy its just I have been lost between so many things in life. First and for most Im lost with girls as usual on one hand I have Mary my X who still wants to get back with me and I dont know what to do because deep down inside my heart I still love her no matter if I deny it or not. Well now she lives in Houston (I fucking hate that city) and she wants to get back with me but I dont think I can be in a relationship were my "gf" lives in a different city. She always says that is not that I cant is that I dont want too and thats not true becuase Im a really needy guy I need my "gf" to be there for me not just mentally but their in person sorry I didnt know how to spell psychialy? Anyways I wanted her to move back to Dallas so we can move in together and be happy like we once were, but I know that was selfish of me because she is in a University more than I can say for my dumbass, she has also asked me to move to Houston for her but I dont think its fair to me because she is asking me to leave everything behind family and friends, and if I was to move over there and things didnt work out I wouldnt have anyone to turn to while she has 3 of her friends with her one which is her best friend, as for me I would be alone with no one to turn to yeah I know I would prolly make new friends there but Im not the type of person to talk to people like that if it took me almost 8 years to talk with Javier and Shark about my problems. I wanna take a trip with her to see if that will help us get closer again but I dont know because if it does bring us closer after the trip she will go back to her city and I will go back to mine. I know everyone says that distance shouldnt matter that if you really love that person no number of miles can keep you apart, but its different with me cuz I'm so needy (I guess it would just be easier to say Im a jerk). On the other hand I just met this girl Yesenia who I think is really cool shes cute nice sweet funny she is 18 and still in HS. Anyways I dont want to rush anything with her because I dont know whats going to happen with Mary,plus I think Yesenia is about looks even though she has told me she is not deep down inside I really think she is dont ask me how I know I just know these kind of things (right Javier?), so I doubt anything is going to happen with her but all I can do is wait and see. Anyways I turned 21 since the last time I had an entry. Lately I have been working my ass off just to keep my mind of alot of things and to also pay my bills. I have been working night and day and day and night Im so tired but its been keeping my mind of some things that would have me trippin even more than usual. Anyways thats all I have to say for now until my next entry. (I dont know when that might be)

Darkness

2005-03-21T00:34:28Z

Last nite I came home at about 12:30 from The Jay's we hung out all day didnt do much really.Anyways last nite when I got home I sat down and got on my computer I checked my email and nothing was there as usual.I pulled up this poem I wrote about V.C. the one I posted on here I finally gave it a title "Shattered" anyways I read it and it filled my eyes with tears,tears of sadness for the rest of the night the tears would not stop coming I tried hard to stop from,but I just couldnt.I talked to The Jay about our current situations,I talked to him about not being able to take this shit anymore because it was just killing me inside.Anyways I got that poem and emailed it to V.C.'s friend who is really kool with me in the email I explained most of the lines to her and everytime I explained a line it would just depress me even more.I honestly cant live with this shit anymore I know everyone says just get over it and I have tried to get over but I just cant.Everybody who knows me knows that Im usually full of life but now its like I have being sucked out of all that life.I cant say anymore right now.

Special Ded

2005-03-17T03:41:33Z

Many shots to the heart to finally break it in half
You will never see me smile I will not be the one to make you laugh
Because forever you and me will be apart
And like I said in the letter I'am dying of a broken heart
I guess it was wrong for me to feel the way I felt
But you know me I love to play with the cards I'am delt
I had and image of telling your dad where I stand
Let him know that I loved you and he would understand
All those images were as clear as the day light
Now their dark and blurry like a cold eary night
I remember being able to see you face to face
A moment I could never forget a moment I will forever embrace
Like the time I held you in my arms so very tight
Or all those times we drove late into the night
On those nights I held your hand and you would hold mine
Dont worry about me with enough time I will be just fine
I really hope no one ever makes you feel what I feel
Because it takes too long for a broken heart to finally heal
I know I could've made you happy and would have never made you cry
But my darling this must be my last good-bye.

Few Thoughts

2005-03-08T05:50:51Z

Well this is my first entry I started this because shark told me about it and I figured why not? Anyways I got braids this past weekend but took them out on Saturday night because they were starting to itch. Its funny but lately I havent been myself and the people around me know it but I guess Im still dealing with what happened with V.C. yeah Im still hurting but I feel that sooner or later I will be over it today I wrote a poem about the situation. The Jay is right I hate being human sometimes I wish I could be a bird and fly away anytime I felt like it. Tonite I read some of Glady's entries and I thought they were kind of interesting, and it would be cool if she came down so we could all hang out because when we went to Chicago we didnt really get to hang out much. Anyways lately I've been thinking about getting back with my x I guess because somewhere deep down I still have feelings for her and she is the only girl to ever care about me as more than a friend, and I have to admit we had a bunch of great times together but my mind still plays the bad times we had more.I have been getting more hours at work which is pretty good because I will get more money and hopefully I can buy a car here soon. In Feb. I got rejected by 3 different girls but I guess Im so use it that it doesnt bother me as much as it did before. I wanna go somewhere over the summer Im hoping The Jay can get some money so that we might be able to go to Chicago to visit Gladys, Gaby, and Joel and so that this time we actually get to hang out. Oh Shark is going to take his driving test tomorrow good luck with that negro. Well I guess Im done for the nite.